Random Stranger: Hey Hi, where is your Son studying ?
Random Stranger: Hey Hi, where is your Son studying ?
I ‘just’ don’t look like him. But I believe I am like him, in bits and pieces and shapes. For Eg the shape of my funny nose is like him.
“Margarita Mamun dedicating her Olympic Gold to her Father who died just days after her Glory” was one of the best videos I saw today.
The emotions of Ms Mamun warmed my heart. It felt good. Her dad in heaven sure must have rejoiced.
I can never complain that I did not have enough time to dedicate a glory to my father.
I spent full 30 years with him, enough time to make him feel proud of me a hundred times. But I never did. He never complained. But I never did. But again he never expected.
I never studied well, to dedicate Scholarships to my Appa.
I never fared in Sports to dedicate Gold Medals to my Appa.
I never ever did anything that would bring him any glory.
For all that I did to him, he graced me with such love and faith , that will shame me to my grave. Yes, that’s the word. He gave me the greatest gift a Dad could ever give. He believed in me.
He loved me so much, that even after his passing away, I live only for his love.
His love is interwoven in my nerves, in the core of my heart. Such extraordinary love for a commoner like me. I was a commoner in my eyes, but for Appa I was his world.
If not for my Father. If not for that love and faith that did not expect any dedications or honours or the least a mention of his Child’s greatness, I would have been nothing today.
But I will Appa, I will dedicate.
Dedicate, few moments of Kindness that you always inspired me to.
Dedicate few hours of Prayers of Thankfulness that you always practised.
Dedicate some forgiveness that you would love to see me do.
Dedicate a lifetime of humbleness that defined you.
For you were a Father who accumulated a lot of wealth for me. Wealth called Love, simplicity and Education.
You took pride in a very simple disorganised little girl for her imperfections.
You picked up the broken pieces of your failed daughter and moulded her to be the woman she is today. You did not give a chance to look out for Inspiration. You were the Inspiration within me.
You looked through an Imperfect Soul and rejoiced in it instead of ridicule.
I was just a little Glorified Nothingness, that you adored.
Probably that’s all I needed to survive.
And that gave me a little more confidence to live and succeed.
Finally, I will dedicate my Motherhood to you. I will try and be the father like you.
And will leave footprints in Ved’s life, just as you did in mine, Footprints of love and grace.
We will make every small moment count in glory and dedicate our well spent life to you.
A little Boy’s Amma.
The Ignorant 1st 4 weeks:
Never had the faintest idea that I was going to be a Mother. Life was business as usual. Random thoughts like “What if this is the month” to weird thoughts like “No way”. I kept brushing off the Angel voice that kept whispering “Good News on the way”. I eventually found out that I was 4 weeks through and took some time to sit down and let the feeling to sink in “yes I am actually pregnant” and did not understand how far I was.
The Indecisive 5+ weeks:
With positive tests and a lot of blood work, I started the journey of “Road Less Travelled”. More blood work and uncontrollable excitement marked my days and anxious nights. Cautiously walking, eating slowly so that not even a crumb of bread hurts the tiny one in my tummy. It sure was an exhausting experience for a first timer.
Almost felt light like I always felt, sceptic dreams gave me chills, fearing the worse, what if all this was just an illusion.
The non-existent 8 – 20 weeks:
As I was excited to go through the procedures to hear the Heartbeat of my co-occupant on a set date, I was informed of another heartbeat that stopped. I was told that my Dad breathed his last as I went through the crucial ‘make or break’ week of pregnancy. My world blacked out at that very same moment I knew my little one had a heartbeat and a rhythm to it. I wanted to be unaware of what happened around me.
For a thousand moments I wanted to give-up. Because that will help me to cry out loud the least. But this bothering little thing inside my tummy, did not even give me the freedom to do my basic right. I was angry. I was frustrated. But least did I know that my very reason to breathe another second and live another day was this little ball like foetus. I would time and again, gently lean over and say “Baby, please hang on and don’t give up like Granpa”. That incident bought down my human existence and pride to nothing. Life and death not in my hands. Here I am holding my dad’s mere lifeless body in my arms and same time I have a little life developing inside of me. I am not sure, if I should be proud of this moment, of my strength to endure this moment. Here I am welcoming a new life and bidding adieu to another. When I look back I am so thankful to God for creating me a woman to experience this.
Though I wouldn’t have wished a slow and painful death to dad or to anyone, the least a daughter can ask is a ‘good-bye’ and not a humiliating disappearance. I froze, time froze, days froze, dreams froze, my future froze, I crashed into the moment and held on to the little hero in my tummy as I travelled back to my in-laws place all alone to resume back, what people called ‘normal’ life.
Heartbeat – check; Nausea – check; stupidity – check, more nausea – check, heartburn – check, sleepless days and nights – check; swollen feet – check; growing tummy – check; Somersaults -check . But every nausea and vomiting and hospital admissions for Hyperemesis was a sign that I was carrying a Hyper- active bundle of Joy. No regrets whatsoever. Worth every little discomfort.
25+ weeks I regained some sense and lost a little with Bed rest:
Baby V had always kept me on my toes, not just running for nausea, but frantic hospital trips for ‘Slow movement’ to ‘no movement’ & counting kicks per hour, days just flew by. Confined in bed, I never felt alone. Moments I wanted to give up, nights I sat up & sobbed, my tiny unformed baby would gently nudge me inspiring in ways I cannot imagine. It was like, “mom I am there”. I dared not give-up and that marked the beginning of my maternity leave.
The reassuring 30+ weeks:
Anytime, anyhow, I was prepared for labour for I knew from now on I will carry my baby to birth. Yes you read it right. I admit that I had my own fears about it. Oh every momma has it. For I know as premature as he may look, we can save him. Yes again you read it right. I had a strong feeling it was going to be a baby boy. A Happy Christmas weekend it was with the people I loved the most. Every second anxiously waiting for the so called ‘labour pain’ or the much hyped about “false labour pain”. None came. I still walked around with a tummy full of baby 🙂
The 37th week – I knew it was today or tomorrow:
For I know the most memorable and the day I will cherish forever will be this week. Not because I am a fortune teller but my gyneac told me so. It was a planned delivery. The day came as fancy as it can be 15.1.15 and out came baby Ved, crying with a heavenly tone which I was sadistically happy about and wanted to hear it over and over. He looked like my dad. He looked like my future.
I admired him, I adored him for countless milliseconds before he was gently tucked away.
My dad was right, he dint lie, when he promised me, that he will be there with me forever and ever. Yesterday as a dad, for today and forever as my Son.
Dreams, dreams and nothing but dreams:
Dreams of how beautiful my baby would look. The long locks of baby hair he would have. I imagined and painted infinite pictures of my baby. Of how tall he will look like my granpa, and those funny ears like his dad. All said and done, I negotiated with God big time for baby V to have the same Angelic smile my dad had. I dreamt on setting no limit for myself.
But the moment I saw baby Ved for the very first time, I was hit hard and filled with shame for all my dreams and the below quote aptly defines it,
“God’s Blessing will put you Best Dreams to Shame”
Baby Ved looked nothing of what I Imagined, but everything of God wanted him to be.
Fashioned by the Master’s loving hands.
A word of Thanks to people who don’t expect it:
To my docs, to the kind hospital support staff, to my best friend Mr K, to that colleague who let me take that window seat, who gave me way and offered to carry my laptop bag, My managers, to that kind bus driver who waited till I crossed the road and the warm smiles the strangers gave me when they saw me struggling with a big tummy. For everyone who prayed for me, encouraged me, my friends who kept me sane, My brother my greatest pillar of strength and finally my family and extended family for pitching in and providing that amazing support. And yea this note would be incomplete without mention of Baby V’s Daddy Cool who chose to keep quiet during my anxious moments. Trust me it helped a lot. He is one amazing personality who can make a lot of difference by just sitting around and not saying a word. Amazing presence.
2 important lessons I learned during pregnancy:
Through many dangers, toils and snares we have already come, this Grace that’s bought us safe thus far and Grace will lead us home.
A little boy’s amma.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for this treasured child of mine. Although you have entrusted him to me, I know he belongs to you. Like Hannah offered Samuel, I dedicate my child to you, Lord. I recognize that he is always in your care.
Help me as a parent, Lord, with my weaknesses and imperfections. Give me strength and godly wisdom to raise this child after your Holy Word. Please supply what I lack. Keep my child walking on the path that leads to eternal life. Help him to overcome the temptations in this world and the sin that would so easily entangle him.
Dear God, send your Holy Spirit daily to lead and guide him. Ever assist him to grow in wisdom and stature, in grace and knowledge, in kindness, compassion and love. May he serve you faithfully with his whole heart devoted to you.
May he discover the joy of your presence through daily relationship with your Son, Jesus.
Help me never to hold on too tightly to this child, nor neglect my responsibilities before you as a parent. Lord, let my commitment to raise this child for the glory of your name cause his life to forever testify of your faithfulness.
In Jesus’ name I pray.
(A prayer from A mother found in the Internet)
Build me a son, O Lord, who will be strong enough to know when he is weak, brave enough to face himself when he is afraid, one who will be proud and unbending in honest defeat, and humble and gentle in victory.
“Build me a son whose wishes will not take the place of deeds; a son who will know Thee-and that to know himself is the foundation stone of knowledge.
“Lead him, I pray, not in the path of ease and comfort, but under the stress and spur of difficulties and challenge. Here let him learn to stand up in the storm; here let him learn compassion for those who fail…”
“Build me a son whose heart will be clear, whose goal will be high; a son who will master himself before he seeks to master other men; one who will reach into the future, yet never forget the past.
“And after all these things are his, add, I pray, enough of sense of humor, so that he may always be serious, yet never take himself too seriously.
“Give him humility, so that he may always remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the meekness of true strength.
“Then, I, his father, will dare to whisper, ‘I have not lived in vain.’
From – A Father’s Prayer by Gen.Douglas MacArthur.
Mark the date !! The day I found a new reason to live. A million thanks to God above.