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‘Those’ 37 Weeks:

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The Ignorant 1st 4 weeks:

Never had the faintest idea that I was going to be a Mother. Life was business as usual. Random thoughts like “What if this is the month” to weird thoughts like “No way”. I kept brushing off the Angel voice that kept whispering “Good News on the way”. I eventually found out that I was 4 weeks through and took some time to sit down and let the feeling to sink in “yes I am actually pregnant” and did not understand how far I was.

The Indecisive 5+ weeks:

With positive tests and a lot of blood work, I started the journey of “Road Less Travelled”. More blood work and uncontrollable excitement marked my days and anxious nights. Cautiously walking, eating slowly so that not even a crumb of bread hurts the tiny one in my tummy. It sure was an exhausting experience for a first timer.

Almost felt light like I always felt, sceptic dreams gave me chills, fearing the worse, what if all this was just an illusion.

The non-existent 8 – 20 weeks:

As I was excited to go through the procedures to hear the Heartbeat of my co-occupant on a set date, I was informed of another heartbeat that stopped. I was told that my Dad breathed his last as I went through the crucial ‘make or break’ week of pregnancy. My world blacked out at that very same moment I knew my little one had a heartbeat and a rhythm to it. I wanted to be unaware of what happened around me.

For a thousand moments I wanted to give-up. Because that will help me to cry out loud the least. But this bothering little thing inside my tummy, did not even give me the freedom to do my basic right. I was angry. I was frustrated. But least did I know that my very reason to breathe another second and live another day was this little ball like foetus. I would time and again, gently lean over and say “Baby, please hang on and don’t give up like Granpa”. That incident bought down my human existence and pride to nothing. Life and death not in my hands. Here I am holding my dad’s mere lifeless body in my arms and same time I have a little life developing inside of me. I am not sure, if I should be proud of this moment, of my strength to endure this moment. Here I am welcoming a new life and bidding adieu to another. When I look back I am so thankful to God for creating me a woman to experience this.

Though I wouldn’t have wished a slow and painful death to dad or to anyone, the least a daughter can ask is a ‘good-bye’ and not a humiliating disappearance. I froze, time froze, days froze, dreams froze, my future froze, I crashed into the moment and held on to the little hero in my tummy as I travelled back to my in-laws place all alone to resume back, what people called ‘normal’ life.

20+ weeks:

Heartbeat – check; Nausea – check; stupidity – check, more nausea – check, heartburn – check, sleepless days and nights – check; swollen feet – check; growing tummy – check; Somersaults -check . But every nausea and vomiting and hospital admissions for Hyperemesis was a sign that I was carrying a Hyper- active bundle of Joy. No regrets whatsoever. Worth every little discomfort.

25+ weeks I regained some sense and lost a little with Bed rest:

Baby V had always kept me on my toes, not just running for nausea, but frantic hospital trips for ‘Slow movement’ to ‘no movement’ & counting kicks per hour, days just flew by. Confined in bed, I never felt alone. Moments I wanted to give up, nights I sat up & sobbed, my tiny unformed baby would gently nudge me inspiring in ways I cannot imagine. It was like, “mom I am there”. I dared not give-up and that marked the beginning of my maternity leave.

The reassuring 30+ weeks:

Anytime, anyhow, I was prepared for labour for I knew from now on I will carry my baby to birth. Yes you read it right. I admit that I had my own fears about it. Oh every momma has it. For I know as premature as he may look, we can save him. Yes again you read it right. I had a strong feeling it was going to be a baby boy. A Happy Christmas weekend it was with the people I loved the most. Every second anxiously waiting for the so called ‘labour pain’ or the much hyped about “false labour pain”. None came. I still walked around with a tummy full of baby 🙂

The 37th week – I knew it was today or tomorrow:

For I know the most memorable and the day I will cherish forever will be this week. Not because I am a fortune teller but my gyneac told me so. It was a planned delivery. The day came as fancy as it can be 15.1.15 and out came baby Ved, crying with a heavenly tone which I was sadistically happy about and wanted to hear it over and over. He looked like my dad. He looked like my future.

I admired him, I adored him for countless milliseconds before he was gently tucked away.

My dad was right, he dint lie, when he promised me, that he will be there with me forever and ever. Yesterday as a dad, for today and forever as my Son.

Dreams, dreams and nothing but dreams:

Dreams of how beautiful my baby would look. The long locks of baby hair he would have. I imagined and painted infinite pictures of my baby. Of how tall he will look like my granpa, and those funny ears like his dad. All said and done, I negotiated with God big time for baby V to have the same Angelic smile my dad had. I dreamt on setting no limit for myself.

But the moment I saw baby Ved for the very first time, I was hit hard and filled with shame for all my dreams and the below quote aptly defines it,

“God’s Blessing will put you Best Dreams to Shame”

Truly Ashamed.

Baby Ved looked nothing of what I Imagined, but everything of God wanted him to be.

Fashioned by the Master’s loving hands.

 

 

A word of Thanks to people who don’t expect it:

To my docs, to the kind hospital support staff, to my best friend Mr K, to that colleague who let me take that window seat, who gave me way and offered to carry my laptop bag, My managers, to that kind bus driver who waited till I crossed the road and the warm smiles the strangers gave me when they saw me struggling with a big tummy. For everyone who prayed for me, encouraged me, my friends who kept me sane, My brother my greatest pillar of strength and finally my family and extended family for pitching in and providing that amazing support. And yea this note would be incomplete without mention of Baby V’s Daddy Cool who chose to keep quiet during my anxious moments. Trust me it helped a lot. He is one amazing personality who can make a lot of difference by just sitting around and not saying a word. Amazing presence.

2 important lessons I learned during pregnancy:

  1. The world is full of kind people. Just that they take time to reveal it. They reveal it when they see a pregnant woman. A sign that they acknowledge the tiny human and keep that mother in the highest respect possible.
  2. And if God has brought you to it, He will definitely take you through it. A very encouraging act by Almighty himself to keep you and your dreams as his highest priority. He chose to take my dad, and gave me my son and reminded me, when he closes one door he will definitely open another. Moments like I knew for sure that it’s not me but Jesus carrying Baby V in his arms, are encouraging me even today. He is for sure a Miracle Working God.

Through many dangers, toils and snares we have already come, this Grace that’s bought us safe thus far and Grace will lead us home.

Pris,

A little boy’s amma.

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On that Day, That Moment ~

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My Precious little Boy, you may have conquered the universe with your Charm, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

My Precious little Boy, you may be seated among the rulers of the world and making important decisions, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

Or you may be riding across the lengths and breadths of the world and realizing your passion, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

As time flies, you might be enjoying a day off with your kids, reliving your Childhood and carving memories, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

And yea you are far away from me, making a beautiful living with your Lovely Wife, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

Yes, That Day, When people call it my last day, that Moment when I try and breathe heavily one lastime, all I want is, Son, you. You by my side.

I want to feel you face and touch your body with my feeble hands. the once fragile, helpless human, who dint know anyone else other than me.

I want to place you on my lap and kiss your forehead and you cuddle back into the foetal position and fit into my arms and I sing your favourite “Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony”. And we freeze time.

As I do that, my heart will swell with pride at the wonderful gentleman I gave birth to.

As I prepare to close my eyes forever, I want to touch your feet with my trembling hands, the tiny happy feet I kissed everyday during your growing years.

And as you hold me tight fighting a trillion tears, Son I will ask one thing of you, please don’t grieve much after am gone.

Celebrate your life, celebrate your mom and each time you think of me, plant a kiss on your daughter’s face and I will be able to feel it.

Be assured that the remaining days of your life, I will be looking upon you from Heaven, just as my dad did.

And finally, the last memory that my eyes would love to capture will be your Glowing, Expressive and Innocent eyes. The first thing I saw the day you were born. And from that day you became my reason to live and love.

And I will whisper gently, “Vedappa, Amma Chellam, God Bless You” !!

For I’ve not gone anywhere, but live, as a melody, as a gentle breeze that brushes your face, as a flashing memory, as a sweet smell, as a refreshing rain, in your daughter’s laughter and son’s character and yes as your momma forever and ever shining like a star over your head 🙂

Pris,

A little boy’s amma.