He bursts into tiny baby tears the moment he sees me after 10hrs and that second makes me feel like the most luckiest mother in the world. I feel wanted, I feel loved, I feel special with the truth that finally someone has taken me so seriously and that is my Son, my Baby Ved.
He has been waiting for me; Every second past 10hours.
For he knows I will definitely return,
I will return to Hug and Squeeze him and wipe away the miserable heartache of separation.
I let him pull my hair with his babysoft fingers
And that gentle pain is the best medicine for my aching soul.
He clings to me like a Baby Kangaroo and I walk around the house with me, even to the restroom sometimes.
He gives the “My amma has come yayyyyyy” kind of look to his Grandparents.
And what happens next is the most treasured moments of my life.
We cuddle, we fight, we laugh, we let go off silent tears and look into each others eyes and whisper in sync “I wish I never let go of you”.
We crash in each others arms.
And soon as he drifts into a peaceful sleep in my lap, I read him in detail.
His nails have grown big, his golden anklets have grown small, some tiny particles in his rosy nose and few strands of dark silky hairs entangled in his baby fingers.
And as I hold his tender body close to mine, I hear the most stunning melody of all in this world, His Heartbeat.
Oh what a Bliss, That I am Woman, I am a Mother and you are my Son.
Now that I know he has fallen into deep sleep, I quietly pull him away from me and carefully place him in his baby bed.
I turn my head and that’s not even a second of leaving him and all I hear is inconsolable sobs. It gets louder and heavier by the second. In split second I grab him again and hold him close to me and the cries disappear. I repeat this process a couple of times just to hear his cry and comfort. What a Heavenly experience !!
I chose to be a Career Woman:
- To support my parents. they have given me my biggest and strongest wings called education. They invested in me and I want to do justice to it. They have not asked me for anything and when the need comes I don’t want them to ask anyone else other than my brother and me.
- To help my Husband: I want him to take a week off or a month break and spend time with Baby Ved. to help his parents, to go on that much needed vacation with his “Boy” friends, of course. All this without worrying about finance, for I will step up for him.
- For my Son, for I know his dreams will be as high as the sky and wide as the ocean. I have taught him to dream big and I don’t want to be a showstopper.
- Finally for myself. help myself buy gifts for my nephews and nieces without having to think much. Help buy my own clothes and that expensive hair serum :-). Help myself enjoy the freedom of giving when I want to give and to whom I want to give.
Having blabbered all of these, there has not been a single night I have slept without shedding the guilt tear.
If only I could, I will trade everything in this world just to sit and watch my son crawl and change diapers and feed him Cerelac.
I’ve missed my parents during my Childhood. I used to sit alone in front of our locked house until mom came from work.
I promised myself that I will never leave my child alone and will be a witness to every milestone.
But History has repeated itself.
We are a working class.
There’s bread on the table because of the job.
And I like to stay it this way.
I love the fruits of my labour.
I love the tired me. I love picking up my broken pieces, I love to strengthen myself, and when I lose my brain I look up to the brightest star where my dad shines as a memory and I regain all that is lost.
I consciously take the effort to dust all the negativity gathered through the day at the door step. Baby Ved doesn’t need them.
For now let me get back to cuddling my precious for whom I will live the rest of my life.
A little boy’s Amma.
PS: I am grateful to God, for Ved’s lovely grandparents who have been such a strong support system.