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This Boy !!

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He Changed my World,

And added meaning to it !!

He Painted my Scars,

And added Colours to it !!

He filled my Empty Heart,

And added loads of Memories to it !!

He robbed off every Tear,

And made Rainbows out of it!!

He wiped away all the Dark Nights

And added Uncountable Twinkle Stars to it !!

He laughed away every Fear of Future,

And filled it with Bright Promises for tomorrow!!

He chased away the heartache of the past,

And filled it with his Baby Cuddles!!

He made sure my life was never the same,

And added Sugar & Spice to it!!

He overturned my Fortunes,

And added Priceless Little Moments to it !!

He kissed my Invisible Wounds

And made Treasures out of it!!

He bought home tiny Rainbows, little hugs, lovable cries and soulful laughter. And my life was never the same.

Pris,

A Little Boy’s Amma.

 

 

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Baby Ved ~ Like A Girl !!

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I’m just keeping you aware, that when you visit our home, high chances you might catch a glimpse of Baby Ved cooking his Mom’s favourite dish or watching a Cookery Show.

At that moment, please don’t frown, “OMG Baby Ved, Like a Girl???”

Because I am going to teach him that, when it comes to household chores, there are no gender specific roles.

I admit, I am a very poor cook myself. But Baby Ved is not going to get away with that.

He is going to learn to cook, not just cook but do everything related to cooking.

No. It’s not a girl’s job. To cook is hers and to eat is his, is a ridiculous theory.

He can cook and she can eat. That’s fine.

Cooking, will be my first step in grooming Baby Ved as an Independent Child.

He will cook, Not like a girl, But LIKE A BOSS !!

Also, Wanted to add that, during your visit, you might be taken by surprise seeing Baby Ved sweep and clean the house.

Because his mom has told him that cleanliness is not gender specific. It’s not a choice.

Being a Boy, he has to be more cautious.

I bet, he can do all the household chores , not like a girl, but LIKE A BOSS !!

Please help yourself not rolling your eyes, when you spot Baby Ved suggesting his grandmoms on the latest shopping destination.

For Baby Ved loves shopping. For the moment he loves shopping, so that he can pull the dresses down while sitting comfortably in his baby sling.

Being fashionable and a shopaholic is not a girl thing. Whoever has told you so was just fooling you.

Being able to look your best and striving towards it is a form of creativity.

So yea, Baby Ved will shop with you, not like a girl, BUT LIKE A BOSS !!

I’m raising my little boy to be independent not just to help himself but to save the trouble for everyone around him. An independent boy/Man is a pleasure to be around with.

Who knows, tomorrow he might end up with your daughter and you can thank me at that time 🙂 Seriously !!

For worse, society has filled our minds with gender specific roles and to do otherwise, you will be criticised as “like a girl” or “like a boy”.

If God blesses me with a Girl, I would like to teach her to ride a Bike, Climb Mountains and break every negativity or stereotyping. She can do anything she wants to and not sit and burn in the Kitchen.

Next generation is going to turn the tables for Good. Time to positively enforce your dreams of freedom on your little ones to help them live life to fullest and not be a prisoner of dreams.

It’s going to be a sight to watch.

Not like a Girl, Not Like a Boy, But LIKE A BOSS !!

Pris,

A little Boy’s Amma.

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Kindly spare saying the below ‘7 things’ to Baby Ved – Thank You:

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1)Of how Handsome or Cute he looks:

The other day, I read an eye-opening article , that children who are complimented based on their looks, grow up to have personality disorders.

Alternatively, please tell Baby Ved that, he is;

  • A kind boy.
  • A Soft Boy
  • A Loving boy
  • A helpful boy
  • An obedient boy.

Do add anything to the list to construct his character in a positive way.

2) Are you Dada’s Boy or Momma’s Man:

This is one of the ridiculous questions I have encountered all my life. I have always chose either of the two and immediately wanted to rewrite the answer. I would wonder if the other parent loved me any less.

This confuses the child as to who loves him the most or wait, something like whom he loves the most. For sure you are sowing seeds of doubt in his little brain.

He is ours and we are his!!

3) Mathematics Score:

I would forgive anyone and everyone, but not this culprit. Trust me, I have (as a child) refused to visit some relatives just because they scared the hell out of me by popping this question. They asked for Numbers. Please ask my son about Disney Shoes and Cars and Bikes but no ‘numbers’ please.

Even if he does not look like mommy, he for sure hates numbers like her. I think so 😛

4) What is your ambition in life:

This would definitely top the list of ‘insensible’ questions to children. When I was a child, I would take a couple of seconds to respond to this question and immediately some family member would do the honours for me and declare “she, Priscilla, wants to become a doctor”. Honestly my ambition was to marry a Chocolate Factory owner and eat chocolates every day. I’m not sure if I really knew the spelling of a doctor, but I for sure made them smile. They that heard my ambition. Not sure if they smiled because they were proud or smiled, cunningly.

BabyVed is a child. He does not have great ambitions. For the moment his ambition is to pull down the trays in the Kitchen, and sit with a pile of Onions and Potatoes all around him. Trust me; he is working hard towards it.

Let’s not spoil their creativity. Let’s not force them to live our dreams. Let them dream for themselves. Let’s not draw boundaries. And clip their wings. Let them fly and explore as much as they wish and reinvent themselves.

5) Comparing ‘HIM’:

This is a BIG ‘No’ for me. He is unique. That’s what I tell him every day. I really don’t care if your Grandchild, took 8 steps at 8 months and you find BabyVed still lazying around and crawling. That’s fine with me. As I told you he is Unique. For that matter every baby is. He is himself. He is not faking his milestones. I would any day welcome your positive criticism, to his flaws but not your discouraging comments please.

6) What he owns – ‘materialistic’ –

BabyVed is a ‘Single’ Child (as of now). But that does not mean we have taught him, ‘his’ toys, ‘his’ food or ‘his dress’. You can walk into our house any day and take any of these, except ‘His laughter’ and him.

I would appreciate if you can refrain from asking him, “is this your house” or “this this your own house” and anything that points to materialistic possession.

7) Your parents are working so hard, so better be good:

Our parents were extremely hardworking. They never told us. We found out as we grew. Same way, we don’t want Baby Ved to know what we are doing for him. He did not choose us. We chose him. We needed him, we longed for him. We could have lost him to any home or parent. But he was meant for us. Meant to shine in our lives. We prayed that, we hold and hug him every day.

So it is our responsibility to provide for him. By all means. Till my last breath, I want to keep working hard for him. It’s my duty as a parent and if we keep telling him this, then am not his momma and he is not my little boy anymore.

While I totally understand that we need to gel as a society to raise better individuals, I would like to emphasise that it should only be in a positive way.

Society can kill and inspire dreams. Our Next generation needs inspirations; they need to look up to us every time they stumble, not run away from us.

Raising baby Ved as a wonderful gentleman is my responsibility, but of course I could use a little help from every one of you.

Pris,

A little boy’s amma.

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‘Those’ 37 Weeks:

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The Ignorant 1st 4 weeks:

Never had the faintest idea that I was going to be a Mother. Life was business as usual. Random thoughts like “What if this is the month” to weird thoughts like “No way”. I kept brushing off the Angel voice that kept whispering “Good News on the way”. I eventually found out that I was 4 weeks through and took some time to sit down and let the feeling to sink in “yes I am actually pregnant” and did not understand how far I was.

The Indecisive 5+ weeks:

With positive tests and a lot of blood work, I started the journey of “Road Less Travelled”. More blood work and uncontrollable excitement marked my days and anxious nights. Cautiously walking, eating slowly so that not even a crumb of bread hurts the tiny one in my tummy. It sure was an exhausting experience for a first timer.

Almost felt light like I always felt, sceptic dreams gave me chills, fearing the worse, what if all this was just an illusion.

The non-existent 8 – 20 weeks:

As I was excited to go through the procedures to hear the Heartbeat of my co-occupant on a set date, I was informed of another heartbeat that stopped. I was told that my Dad breathed his last as I went through the crucial ‘make or break’ week of pregnancy. My world blacked out at that very same moment I knew my little one had a heartbeat and a rhythm to it. I wanted to be unaware of what happened around me.

For a thousand moments I wanted to give-up. Because that will help me to cry out loud the least. But this bothering little thing inside my tummy, did not even give me the freedom to do my basic right. I was angry. I was frustrated. But least did I know that my very reason to breathe another second and live another day was this little ball like foetus. I would time and again, gently lean over and say “Baby, please hang on and don’t give up like Granpa”. That incident bought down my human existence and pride to nothing. Life and death not in my hands. Here I am holding my dad’s mere lifeless body in my arms and same time I have a little life developing inside of me. I am not sure, if I should be proud of this moment, of my strength to endure this moment. Here I am welcoming a new life and bidding adieu to another. When I look back I am so thankful to God for creating me a woman to experience this.

Though I wouldn’t have wished a slow and painful death to dad or to anyone, the least a daughter can ask is a ‘good-bye’ and not a humiliating disappearance. I froze, time froze, days froze, dreams froze, my future froze, I crashed into the moment and held on to the little hero in my tummy as I travelled back to my in-laws place all alone to resume back, what people called ‘normal’ life.

20+ weeks:

Heartbeat – check; Nausea – check; stupidity – check, more nausea – check, heartburn – check, sleepless days and nights – check; swollen feet – check; growing tummy – check; Somersaults -check . But every nausea and vomiting and hospital admissions for Hyperemesis was a sign that I was carrying a Hyper- active bundle of Joy. No regrets whatsoever. Worth every little discomfort.

25+ weeks I regained some sense and lost a little with Bed rest:

Baby V had always kept me on my toes, not just running for nausea, but frantic hospital trips for ‘Slow movement’ to ‘no movement’ & counting kicks per hour, days just flew by. Confined in bed, I never felt alone. Moments I wanted to give up, nights I sat up & sobbed, my tiny unformed baby would gently nudge me inspiring in ways I cannot imagine. It was like, “mom I am there”. I dared not give-up and that marked the beginning of my maternity leave.

The reassuring 30+ weeks:

Anytime, anyhow, I was prepared for labour for I knew from now on I will carry my baby to birth. Yes you read it right. I admit that I had my own fears about it. Oh every momma has it. For I know as premature as he may look, we can save him. Yes again you read it right. I had a strong feeling it was going to be a baby boy. A Happy Christmas weekend it was with the people I loved the most. Every second anxiously waiting for the so called ‘labour pain’ or the much hyped about “false labour pain”. None came. I still walked around with a tummy full of baby 🙂

The 37th week – I knew it was today or tomorrow:

For I know the most memorable and the day I will cherish forever will be this week. Not because I am a fortune teller but my gyneac told me so. It was a planned delivery. The day came as fancy as it can be 15.1.15 and out came baby Ved, crying with a heavenly tone which I was sadistically happy about and wanted to hear it over and over. He looked like my dad. He looked like my future.

I admired him, I adored him for countless milliseconds before he was gently tucked away.

My dad was right, he dint lie, when he promised me, that he will be there with me forever and ever. Yesterday as a dad, for today and forever as my Son.

Dreams, dreams and nothing but dreams:

Dreams of how beautiful my baby would look. The long locks of baby hair he would have. I imagined and painted infinite pictures of my baby. Of how tall he will look like my granpa, and those funny ears like his dad. All said and done, I negotiated with God big time for baby V to have the same Angelic smile my dad had. I dreamt on setting no limit for myself.

But the moment I saw baby Ved for the very first time, I was hit hard and filled with shame for all my dreams and the below quote aptly defines it,

“God’s Blessing will put you Best Dreams to Shame”

Truly Ashamed.

Baby Ved looked nothing of what I Imagined, but everything of God wanted him to be.

Fashioned by the Master’s loving hands.

 

 

A word of Thanks to people who don’t expect it:

To my docs, to the kind hospital support staff, to my best friend Mr K, to that colleague who let me take that window seat, who gave me way and offered to carry my laptop bag, My managers, to that kind bus driver who waited till I crossed the road and the warm smiles the strangers gave me when they saw me struggling with a big tummy. For everyone who prayed for me, encouraged me, my friends who kept me sane, My brother my greatest pillar of strength and finally my family and extended family for pitching in and providing that amazing support. And yea this note would be incomplete without mention of Baby V’s Daddy Cool who chose to keep quiet during my anxious moments. Trust me it helped a lot. He is one amazing personality who can make a lot of difference by just sitting around and not saying a word. Amazing presence.

2 important lessons I learned during pregnancy:

  1. The world is full of kind people. Just that they take time to reveal it. They reveal it when they see a pregnant woman. A sign that they acknowledge the tiny human and keep that mother in the highest respect possible.
  2. And if God has brought you to it, He will definitely take you through it. A very encouraging act by Almighty himself to keep you and your dreams as his highest priority. He chose to take my dad, and gave me my son and reminded me, when he closes one door he will definitely open another. Moments like I knew for sure that it’s not me but Jesus carrying Baby V in his arms, are encouraging me even today. He is for sure a Miracle Working God.

Through many dangers, toils and snares we have already come, this Grace that’s bought us safe thus far and Grace will lead us home.

Pris,

A little boy’s amma.

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On that Day, That Moment ~

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My Precious little Boy, you may have conquered the universe with your Charm, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

My Precious little Boy, you may be seated among the rulers of the world and making important decisions, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

Or you may be riding across the lengths and breadths of the world and realizing your passion, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

As time flies, you might be enjoying a day off with your kids, reliving your Childhood and carving memories, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

And yea you are far away from me, making a beautiful living with your Lovely Wife, but on that day, that moment I want you by my side !!

Yes, That Day, When people call it my last day, that Moment when I try and breathe heavily one lastime, all I want is, Son, you. You by my side.

I want to feel you face and touch your body with my feeble hands. the once fragile, helpless human, who dint know anyone else other than me.

I want to place you on my lap and kiss your forehead and you cuddle back into the foetal position and fit into my arms and I sing your favourite “Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony”. And we freeze time.

As I do that, my heart will swell with pride at the wonderful gentleman I gave birth to.

As I prepare to close my eyes forever, I want to touch your feet with my trembling hands, the tiny happy feet I kissed everyday during your growing years.

And as you hold me tight fighting a trillion tears, Son I will ask one thing of you, please don’t grieve much after am gone.

Celebrate your life, celebrate your mom and each time you think of me, plant a kiss on your daughter’s face and I will be able to feel it.

Be assured that the remaining days of your life, I will be looking upon you from Heaven, just as my dad did.

And finally, the last memory that my eyes would love to capture will be your Glowing, Expressive and Innocent eyes. The first thing I saw the day you were born. And from that day you became my reason to live and love.

And I will whisper gently, “Vedappa, Amma Chellam, God Bless You” !!

For I’ve not gone anywhere, but live, as a melody, as a gentle breeze that brushes your face, as a flashing memory, as a sweet smell, as a refreshing rain, in your daughter’s laughter and son’s character and yes as your momma forever and ever shining like a star over your head 🙂

Pris,

A little boy’s amma.

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Appa !!

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நினைவுகள் நெஞ்சில் பாரமாகதத்தளிப்பதால், இதோ அப்பாவிற்காகஎழுத்துக்களால் ஓர் அர்ச்சனை.

எனது இதயத்திற்கு இனிய என் தாய்மொழியில் ஓர் மலர் மலை. அப்பாவின்உயிரான தமிழ் மொழிஇல் ஓர் நினைவஞ்சலி.

 

தேவர் குலத்தில், வீர தாய்க்கு பிறந்த வீரமகன் எம் அப்பா.

அப்பா நீங்க ஒரு தேவர் மகனா என்றுஆச்சரியத்தோடு கேட்டபோது,

ஆமாமா  மா, தேவர் மகன் தான், ஆனாயாரையும் காத்தியால குத்தினது இல்ல என்றுபுன்னகைத்துக்கொண்டே பெருமிதம்கொண்டாய்.

வீரம் என்பது சொல்லிலும், செயலிலும்இல்லை, அது அன்பிலும், பணிவிலும், நேர்மையிலும், மாசற்ற உன் நடத்தையிலும்புதைந்து உள்ளது என்று இன்று பெருமிதம்கொள்கிறோம்.

வலிக்கிறது அப்பா. எதிர்காலம் கசக்குது.

நினைவுகள் அலை இதயத்தை  நொறுக்குகிறது, அது ஏன் அப்பா உங்களுக்குபுரியவில்லை.

என் பிள்ளை அழுதா தாங்க மாட்டா என்றுபொத்தி பொத்தி வளர்த்தயே, இன்று நீஇல்லாத இந்த உலகில், சிறகு இல்லாதபறவையாய் மண்ணில் வலியில் துடிப்பதுஉனக்கு இனிக்கிறதாஎன்ன ?

சொர்கலோகத்தில் சோகம் கொன்றையோ நீ?

பாதியில் எம் மகளை விட்டு விட்டேனே என்றுநீ இன்று கலங்குகிறாயோ?

என் மகனை கட்டி பிடிக்க, அவன் பெற்ற  செல்வங்களை முத்தமிட்டு ரசிக்கதவறிவிட்டானே என்று வேதனை படுகிறாயாஅப்பா?

வாழும் காலம் வரை, அப்பா இருக்கேன் மா, கவலை படாதே, அப்பா இருக்கேன் மா, என்றஉன் பொய் சாத்தியங்கள் உனக்குநினைவில்லயா அப்பா?

எதிர்காலம் கேலி செய்கிறது.

எப்படி நீ வாழ்வாய்,

உன் உயிரான அப்பா இல்லாமல் உன்னையார் காப்பாற்றுவார்,

என்று எதிர்காலம் கேலி செய்கிறது.

நிகழ் காலமோ, செய்வதறியாது உறைந்துநிற்கிறது.

நாட்கள் நகரவில்லை, நொடிகள்நீங்கவில்லை, நீ இல்லாத உன் மளிகைவீட்டில் உன் சிரிப்பொலிகள் நிற்கவில்லை.

எங்கள் குழந்தைகளை கொஞ்ச, அவர்களைநெஞ்சோடு அரவணைக்க உனக்கு ஏக்கம்இல்லையா அப்பா?

எங்களுக்கு ஏக்கம் தலைவிரித்தாடுகிறது. நீகொஞ்சி விளையாடுவதை காண.

உன்னை போல் இருக்கும் என் மகனை நீமுத்தமிடும் காட்சி கற்பனையில் இனிக்கிறது.

வீர மண்ணில் பிறந்தாய், புண்ணியனாகவாழ்ந்தாய், விடை ஒன்று தராமல், சுயநலவாதியை மரித்தாய்.

காலங்கள் ஓட, பருவங்கள் மாற, காயங்கள்கரைந்து போகம் என்று பலரும் பல இனிக்கும்பொய்களை கூறினார்கள்.

காலமும் செல்லவில்லை, பருவமமும்மாறவில்லை, உங்கள் நினைவுகளும்நீங்கவில்லை, எங்க காயங்களும்ஆறவில்லை.

30 வருடங்கள் என்னை பொன்னாய் பூவாய்தோழிலும் மடியிலும் சுமந்தாய்,

திடீரென்று நானும் என் கருவில் இருந்தபச்சிளம் குழந்தையும் பாரமாக தோன்றியதாஎன்ன ?!

நாங்கள் சிரித்து விளையாடும் அழகைபார்க்காமல் பறந்து சென்றாயே.

யாருக்கு யார் பாரம் அப்பா.

எங்கள் வாழ்க்கையின் நிஜம் நீயே.

நிஜங்களை கல்லறையில் புதைத்தோம்; வெறும் நிழலை கட்டி பிடித்த்துகொஞ்சுகின்றோம் !!

சில நாட்கள், நல் இரவில், ‘அப்பாவைகூப்பிட்டிய மா’ என்று என்னை தட்டிஎழுப்புவாய். இல்ல பா, போய் தூங்குங்கஎன்று எரிச்சலோடு நான் பதிலளிக்க, தாய்அருகே செய் போலே, என் கட்டில் அருகில்சுருண்டு கிடப்பாய்.

என் காவல் தூதனை போல்.

என்னக்கு வரவிருந்த பல விபத்துகளை நீதாங்கி கொண்டாய்.

இன்று காக்க நீ இல்லை,

அருகில் உன் மெல்லிய மூச்சு காற்று இல்லை,

நான் மட்டும், இந்த நல் இரவில், தனிமையில்,

அப்பா என்று மனம் நொறுங்குகிறான், கேட்கநீ இல்லை,

என் அருகில் என் அப்பா இல்லை,

என் காவல் தெய்வம் இல்லை.

குறை ஒன்றும் இல்லை என் நிறையே!!

குறை என்றாலும் அது ஒன்றே,

கருவறையில் நீ என்னை சும்மக்க மறுத்ததினமே!!

விடிந்ததும் அப்பா நான் வருவேன் என்றான்ஆவலாய் தயங்கி நின்றேன்;

மூன்று வருடங்கள் ஆகியும் விடிய மறுக்கிறதுஎன் இரவுகள் !!

பொன்னும் பொருளும் என்ன,

இந்த பெரும் புகழும் என்ன,

உன்னை மீட்க வக்கில்லாத இந்த பெண்பிள்ளையின் அர்த்தம்  என்ன ?

 

எத்தனை சிரித்தாலும், அதில் ஒரு பங்குவெறுமை தான்,

எத்தனை அழுதாலும், அது அத்தனையும் உன்நினைவில் தான் !!

 

பெண் குழந்தைக்கு எதற்கு இதனைஆரவாரம், என்று கேட்டவர்கள் வெட்கமடைய, என்னை தலையில் தூக்கி வைத்து ஆடினாய்.

உன் மறைவிற்கு பிறகு, என்னக்கும் அதேகேள்வி தான்,

மரண படுக்கையில் ஒரு கடைசி முறை உன்கை பிடிக்க, உன் கண் பார்த்து, இன்னும்கொஞ்ச நாள் கூட இருந்துட்டு போ பா, என்பச்சிளம் பிள்ளையின் முகம் பார்த்துகொஞ்சிட்டு போ பா,

உன்ன பாத்துக்க  நான் இருக்கேன் பா,

என்று கூற மறுத்த,

இந்த பெண் குழந்தைக்கு எதற்கு இதனைஆரவாரம் உனக்கு.

 

 

அப்பா என்பது ஒரு மாத்திரை சொல் !!

இன்றும் அவர் இல்லையென்றாலும், அவர்விட்டு சென்ற நினைவுகள் உயிரைதாங்குகிறது.

நன்றி அப்பா, சுவடுகளை விட்டுசென்றத்துக்கு.

நல்ல தங்கப்பனாய், எங்கள் தகப்பனாய்,

நீ செய்த தியாகங்களுக்கு ஈடு கட்டவக்கில்லை,

கடனாளியாய்,

கண்ணீர் மட்டுமே பதிலாய்,

இன்று வெறும் கைகொடு அண்ணார்ந்துபார்க்கிறோம்.

 

மேகத்தின் இடையில் நீ புன்னகைத்தாலோ !!

நிலாவின் மறைவில் நீ கொஞ்சி நின்றாலோ!!

என்னென்ன கனவுகள் அப்பா,

நீ இல்லது  இந்த பாவி மகள் படும் வேதனையும்,

நீ விட்டு சென்ற உன் செல்ல மகனின் அனாதை கோலமும்  உனக்கு புரியவில்லையே !!

 

இந்த நிலைமை குறித்து செய்திவந்திருந்தால், ஒரு முறை, ஒரே ஒரு முறை, கனவில் வந்து, தலை கொதி, நெத்திமுத்தமிட்டு போ அப்பா !!

 

ஏக்கத்தோடு உன் பிரியமான மகள் !

0

appa !!

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0DZ6TLguyAK

நினைவுகள் நெஞ்சில் பாரமாகதத்தளிப்பதால், இதோ அப்பாவிற்காகஎழுத்துக்களால் ஓர் அர்ச்சனை.

எனது இதயத்திற்கு இனிய என் தாய்மொழியில் ஓர் மலர் மலை. அப்பாவின்உயிரான தமிழ் மொழிஇல் ஓர் நினைவஞ்சலி.

 

தேவர் குலத்தில், வீர தாய்க்கு பிறந்த வீரமகன் எம் அப்பா.

அப்பா நீங்க ஒரு தேவர் மகனா என்றுஆச்சரியத்தோடு கேட்டபோது,

ஆமாமா  மா, தேவர் மகன் தான், ஆனாயாரையும் காத்தியால குத்தினது இல்ல என்றுபுன்னகைத்துக்கொண்டே பெருமிதம்கொண்டாய்.

வீரம் என்பது சொல்லிலும், செயலிலும்இல்லை, அது அன்பிலும், பணிவிலும், நேர்மையிலும், மாசற்ற உன் நடத்தையிலும்புதைந்து உள்ளது என்று இன்று பெருமிதம்கொள்கிறோம்.

வலிக்கிறது அப்பா. எதிர்காலம் கசக்குது.

நினைவுகள் அலை இதயத்தை  நொறுக்குகிறது, அது ஏன் அப்பா உங்களுக்குபுரியவில்லை.

என் பிள்ளை அழுதா தாங்க மாட்டா என்றுபொத்தி பொத்தி வளர்த்தயே, இன்று நீஇல்லாத இந்த உலகில், சிறகு இல்லாதபறவையாய் மண்ணில் வலியில் துடிப்பதுஉனக்கு இனிக்கிறதாஎன்ன ?

சொர்கலோகத்தில் சோகம் கொன்றையோ நீ?

பாதியில் எம் மகளை விட்டு விட்டேனே என்றுநீ இன்று கலங்குகிறாயோ?

என் மகனை கட்டி பிடிக்க, அவன் பெற்ற  செல்வங்களை முத்தமிட்டு ரசிக்கதவறிவிட்டானே என்று வேதனை படுகிறாயாஅப்பா?

வாழும் காலம் வரை, அப்பா இருக்கேன் மா, கவலை படாதே, அப்பா இருக்கேன் மா, என்றஉன் பொய் சாத்தியங்கள் உனக்குநினைவில்லயா அப்பா?

எதிர்காலம் கேலி செய்கிறது.

எப்படி நீ வாழ்வாய்,

உன் உயிரான அப்பா இல்லாமல் உன்னையார் காப்பாற்றுவார்,

என்று எதிர்காலம் கேலி செய்கிறது.

நிகழ் காலமோ, செய்வதறியாது உறைந்துநிற்கிறது.

நாட்கள் நகரவில்லை, நொடிகள்நீங்கவில்லை, நீ இல்லாத உன் மளிகைவீட்டில் உன் சிரிப்பொலிகள் நிற்கவில்லை.

எங்கள் குழந்தைகளை கொஞ்ச, அவர்களைநெஞ்சோடு அரவணைக்க உனக்கு ஏக்கம்இல்லையா அப்பா?

எங்களுக்கு ஏக்கம் தலைவிரித்தாடுகிறது. நீகொஞ்சி விளையாடுவதை காண.

உன்னை போல் இருக்கும் என் மகனை நீமுத்தமிடும் காட்சி கற்பனையில் இனிக்கிறது.

வீர மண்ணில் பிறந்தாய், புண்ணியனாகவாழ்ந்தாய், விடை ஒன்று தராமல், சுயநலவாதியை மரித்தாய்.

காலங்கள் ஓட, பருவங்கள் மாற, காயங்கள்கரைந்து போகம் என்று பலரும் பல இனிக்கும்பொய்களை கூறினார்கள்.

காலமும் செல்லவில்லை, பருவமமும்மாறவில்லை, உங்கள் நினைவுகளும்நீங்கவில்லை, எங்க காயங்களும்ஆறவில்லை.

30 வருடங்கள் என்னை பொன்னாய் பூவாய்தோழிலும் மடியிலும் சுமந்தாய்,

திடீரென்று நானும் என் கருவில் இருந்தபச்சிளம் குழந்தையும் பாரமாக தோன்றியதாஎன்ன ?!

நாங்கள் சிரித்து விளையாடும் அழகைபார்க்காமல் பறந்து சென்றாயே.

யாருக்கு யார் பாரம் அப்பா.

எங்கள் வாழ்க்கையின் நிஜம் நீயே.

நிஜங்களை கல்லறையில் புதைத்தோம்; வெறும் நிழலை கட்டி பிடித்த்துகொஞ்சுகின்றோம் !!

சில நாட்கள், நல் இரவில், ‘அப்பாவைகூப்பிட்டிய மா’ என்று என்னை தட்டிஎழுப்புவாய். இல்ல பா, போய் தூங்குங்கஎன்று எரிச்சலோடு நான் பதிலளிக்க, தாய்அருகே செய் போலே, என் கட்டில் அருகில்சுருண்டு கிடப்பாய்.

என் காவல் தூதனை போல்.

என்னக்கு வரவிருந்த பல விபத்துகளை நீதாங்கி கொண்டாய்.

இன்று காக்க நீ இல்லை,

அருகில் உன் மெல்லிய மூச்சு காற்று இல்லை,

நான் மட்டும், இந்த நல் இரவில், தனிமையில்,

அப்பா என்று மனம் நொறுங்குகிறான், கேட்கநீ இல்லை,

என் அருகில் என் அப்பா இல்லை,

என் காவல் தெய்வம் இல்லை.

குறை ஒன்றும் இல்லை என் நிறையே!!

குறை என்றாலும் அது ஒன்றே,

கருவறையில் நீ என்னை சும்மக்க மறுத்ததினமே!!

விடிந்ததும் அப்பா நான் வருவேன் என்றான்ஆவலாய் தயங்கி நின்றேன்;

மூன்று வருடங்கள் ஆகியும் விடிய மறுக்கிறதுஎன் இரவுகள் !!

பொன்னும் பொருளும் என்ன,

இந்த பெரும் புகழும் என்ன,

உன்னை மீட்க வக்கில்லாத இந்த பெண்பிள்ளையின் அர்த்தம்  என்ன ?

 

எத்தனை சிரித்தாலும், அதில் ஒரு பங்குவெறுமை தான்,

எத்தனை அழுதாலும், அது அத்தனையும் உன்நினைவில் தான் !!

 

பெண் குழந்தைக்கு எதற்கு இதனைஆரவாரம், என்று கேட்டவர்கள் வெட்கமடைய, என்னை தலையில் தூக்கி வைத்து ஆடினாய்.

உன் மறைவிற்கு பிறகு, என்னக்கும் அதேகேள்வி தான்,

மரண படுக்கையில் ஒரு கடைசி முறை உன்கை பிடிக்க, உன் கண் பார்த்து, இன்னும்கொஞ்ச நாள் கூட இருந்துட்டு போ பா, என்பச்சிளம் பிள்ளையின் முகம் பார்த்துகொஞ்சிட்டு போ பா,

உன்ன பாத்துக்க  நான் இருக்கேன் பா,

என்று கூற மறுத்த,

இந்த பெண் குழந்தைக்கு எதற்கு இதனைஆரவாரம் உனக்கு.

 

 

அப்பா என்பது ஒரு மாத்திரை சொல் !!

இன்றும் அவர் இல்லையென்றாலும், அவர்விட்டு சென்ற நினைவுகள் உயிரைதாங்குகிறது.

நன்றி அப்பா, சுவடுகளை விட்டுசென்றத்துக்கு.

நல்ல தங்கப்பனாய், எங்கள் தகப்பனாய்,

நீ செய்த தியாகங்களுக்கு ஈடு கட்டவக்கில்லை,

கடனாளியாய்,

கண்ணீர் மட்டுமே பதிலாய்,

இன்று வெறும் கைகொடு அண்ணார்ந்துபார்க்கிறோம்.

 

மேகத்தின் இடையில் நீ புன்னகைத்தாலோ !!

நிலாவின் மறைவில் நீ கொஞ்சி நின்றாலோ!!

என்னென்ன கனவுகள் அப்பா,

நீ இல்லது  இந்த பாவி மகள் படும் வேதனையும்,

நீ விட்டு சென்ற உன் செல்ல மகனின் அனாதை கோலமும்  உனக்கு புரியவில்லையே !!

 

இந்த நிலைமை குறித்து செய்திவந்திருந்தால், ஒரு முறை, ஒரே ஒரு முறை, கனவில் வந்து, தலை கொதி, நெத்திமுத்தமிட்டு போ அப்பா !!

 

ஏக்கத்தோடு உன் பிரியமான மகள் !

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2

8yrs to this day, I realize, Reji was not really the man of my dreams !!

Errmmm, yeah if you have not still got it, its our 8th wedding anniversary today.

Nope, not taking a day off. Whats changing anyway.

Its all the same, stress crowding our thoughts, the religious hi and bye and the talks that mostly centered around Ved. Its almost come to a point, that we’d go topicless wihout Ved, worst case we might not even initiate a discussion leave alone date nights.

We are getting there. getting to become that watsapp group with just the two of us talking only through pings.

We are in our prime years. In careers, in health, in relationships, in stress. We are busy making a life for Ved while quietly losing ours.

But you know, this wasent the case 8yrs back this day. It was our Wedding day. Whole of India was celebrating it. It was Diwali 🙂

Such an auspicious day. Whoever should have been there, could have been there, possibly had a place in my heart, were there that day as the sacred thread made its twists and turns on my trembling neck.

A Malayali Nair boy and A Tamil Christian Ponnu, we looked like a match made in heaven. We shined together in our differences. Right from food to language to landscape.

He glowing in his Pattu Shirt and Mundu. He looked a million dollars or even more. He was smiling through the ceremony, i dont know why. Maybe because he thought he wouldint be smiling much after marriage. But yeah, he walked away with every compliment possible in that wedding hall.

this could probably be one wedding where the groom outshined the bride. I looked so off stage, like it wasent my wedding at all. Although my wedding did not happen the way i dreamt it from my teenage, am so grateful that it happened with the right person.

these classic lyrics – I might have been in love before, but never felt this strong – dosent fit well for anyother except me.

It was strong. It was meant to be.

I was bathed in the limelight of new bride and enjoyed thouroughly. not long enough.

You see, the downside of my upbringing was to see things through my eyes.

The world danced to my tune till in my fathers house. Not any longer. Suddenly i dint even have a tune.

And I had a roommate like,forever!!

We have loved, lived, lied, hit rock bottom, pulled outselves up, fixed each others broken tears, seen our loved ones die and held out helpless hands.

We have also thrown tantrums, banged our fists in the air, thought this will not work out, regretted immediately cause we know no one else could put up with our idiocity.

Our careers have threatened us, we have been penniless, people around have stared at our success, we have had cold childless nights staring into an empty sky, We have been handed out hopeless medical reports, we have vowed to stick together even if we dint have a child, we have prayed together for a Blessing, we have been blessed.

We have stayed uncountable nights awake while i was pregnant, we were holding our hearts out on the day I gave birth to our Child. He was the last person I saw before entering the labor room and the 1st to greet me while i regained consiousness.

We loved our families. Our families loved us.

He introduced me to more books and his classic film choices.

He was parenting Ved much much better than me.

He thinks i am closer to his parents than him. which is not true. I am so jealous of the unexplainable love Mrs Nair has for her son. He love for my husband has only made our wedded life better.

He mostly reads when he is free, rest times he is busy reading. He can go hours unnoticed and invisible in a pile of books.

Excellent command over Malayalam and English, his raw love for this little Kerala and this land has stunned me.

Its a bliss to watch him water the plants in our backyard, singing softly ‘Njyan oru Malayali, Ennum  Mannin kootaali. Mannanu Jeevan, Manilaanu Jeevan ‘. He wouldn’t trade his Sundara Keralam for the treasures of his  world. Iam fine with it. it sounds like Appa to me. who loved his land like no one els.  

He tells me not to over pamper Ved, not to hug him and sleep, not to make him cry for evrything, not to grant all his wishes, not to kiss him often, not to take too many selfies, not to over protect him. i just stare back in protest each time. Because he is the one who does all of the above.

Marriage definetly is not made of sunshines. It is in those chaotic days, When every bit of energy is drained down, when there is absolutelty no purpose and lots of regrets and what ifs.

Its in those love lit eyes, its in that endrendum punnagai moment, its in sharing that final piece of cheese omlette and letting your own dreams die to give life to anothers.

No superficial love lines only strong genuine hugs.

You are not a man of my dreams Reji. I could have possibly never had such a beautiful dream like you. You are a class part of all the beautiful dreams I have ever had. 

Heres to these 8 and many more by the grace of almighty.

Thank you Reji for not holding my hands in public, Thank you for the denied PDAs, thank you for not making even a single Facebook post about me, thank you for forgetting your Facebook password, thank you for not keeping our pictures as wats app DP. 

Thank you for sitting beside Ved on his sick days while I was out on work assignments. I know it’s illegal to thank you for Ved . But just keep it. Thank you for those egoless selfless moments when you told me of how proud you are of my role as a working mother. Thank you for letting me pay our bills and loans. Thank you letting me be the woman my Appa wanted me to be. Thank you for subtly hinting on how to put back my broken life after appas passing away. Thank you for letting my dreams shape up.

Thank you for listening those words I never said on the days I lost Appa. thank you for holding me in your arms and our unborn child in your heart. That you for understand postpartum and a tired new mother. Thank you for carrying us nine months and beyond. Thank you for understanding hormonal battles.  

Thank you being through rough waves, miss communications or no communications thank you for lending out to cure my wounded heart. Thank you for just hanging around. 

We will still fight, we will forever stick together, we will laugh at those moments that threaten our togetherness, we will make a beautiful world for Ved.

Thank you for being my choice in all of the whole wide world. 

Pris.

 

 

 

0

Heroes in my Family !!

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She was strong; She was courageous; She was ruthless in her arguments; She never minced words; She would tell it on your face; She never had another face; She was a true Christian; She was Brilliant; She was Beautiful;

She was Mary !!

She was my Chithee.

She was undoubtedly the bravest women in my life like my Ammachi.

She flew away into the Heavens, and its a week already today.

There I stood in front of the Mortuary, screaming for her to come back. But she was beyond me.

She was beyond the ugliness of the world. She was beyond the pain. She was beyond the dirtiness of the Caterpillar; She was the beauty of the Butterfly.

We swallowed the screams, as they transformed into bitter sobs.

This time, we did not have eyes that looked at us in embarrassment.

We had wet eyes who sobbed with us with grief flooding our hearts.

We grieved with families who lost their loved ones, in the same terrible accident.

An accident, that should have been a bad dream. A dream which we would have laughed about the next morning.

An accident that crushed our laughter and little joys.

An accident that shattered our strength and questioned our faith.

There lay the car, disfigured and beyond recognition, so was our little heroes.

They gave us the Chilled Body, She weighed like a new-born baby.

She lay amidst the shrieking noise, so oblivious of our now giant screams, like she did not like it.

She would not have liked ‘the crying’ bit, if she was alive. She never like petty tears and drama anyway.

Her face was battered by the pain of the final moments of her life. We were not allowed to see much of her by rule. But her face was enough for us.

A fragile face I never knew. A kind grace that settled in her cheeks, her subtle humour that filled her mouth and the sacred faith of Jesus Christ that reflected in her eyes.

Oh Mary !! The Darling Daughter, the Pride of my Forefathers;

Has your faith sustained you? Did you walk those heavenly gates in golden robe and touch the face of Jesus Christ. It looks so for me.

You lived and rested in peace.

We tucked her safely in the land of our forefathers;  her bossy body lay there so authoritatively next to her Father. Like she would have wanted it to be. Like her father would have wanted it to be.

The proud Father-daughter duo singing together, holding hands in heaven.

As we returned back home, her sweet home, the home she toiled for, our hearts blossomed. It stood there as a testimony to the amazing life she lived with her boys. Her wonderful husband and precious Sons.

Oh Mary !! Your damp towel and the nightdress are waiting for you. You left them unwashed with the hope that you will return home tonight.

Oh Mary !! Your beautiful hairclips and perfumes are waiting to adorn you along with the pattu sarees. You would have looked gorgeous in them.

Oh Mary !! Where have you gone??

Oh Mary !! When will you take us there??

Oh Precious Mary, congratulations on finishing your race victoriously today.

Oh Kind Mary, my eyes swelled with pride when your colleagues spoke of your clean hands and pure heart. Wow, what a blessing to be a part of this family and to be raised by the strongest women in town.

Oh Dear Mary, thank yotu for teaching us that nothing really matters. Not this money, not this house, not the jobs we hold or the salaries we pocket. Nothing is pleasing in God’s sight except how good and nice we live.

The only downside of being a part of this great family is, none of them bother to say their final goodbyes. They keep you guessing that they will return home each night. Perhaps that is true. We never part I believe.  And we will regroup again at Jesus Feet in heaven. No earthly goodbyes; only heavenly hugs and memories guaranteed.

Oh Beautiful Mary, thank you for asking us to be prepared for the final day of our lives everyday, and put up our best smile forward for we do not know what will happen the next minute.

Oh Darling Mary, thank you for hoping not in this world, but for the eternal life at Jesus Feet.

Oh my Mary Chithee, I miss you much more than you were alive. I have never told you, but I realised through those muddy tears in front of the mortuary, how much I Loved You. Laughter can be faked but my pain torn tears have never been this real. Appa knows it better. If not for it, I wouldn’t be a transformed person today. I want to be transformed to a better person like you. Like my Mary Chithee. A hero in life and in death. A hero at he Lord’s home.

Oh Blessed Mary;

God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you,
Strike death’s threatening wave before you;
God be with you till we meet again at Jesus feet.

Pris.